Genevieve P. Charet

Spoof Vampire Novel

For a time, Genevieve wrote a spoof vampire novel, tweet-by-tweet, right here. If you missed a few or were late to the party, you can read them in order here.  Right from the gosh darned beginning.

God forbid you should miss an installment.

*****

VampNov#1: Hortense had lived, by all outside appearances, very quietly. Except for the mole over her left lip, which spoke volumes.
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VampNov2:When Hortense’s mole laughed, the world laughed w/ it.When it cried, people still laughed.’Cause come on.You’re a mole.Lighten up.
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VampNov3:At fencing one day, Hortense sighed longingly at the squirrels running past.Swords were nice, but her real passion was taxidermy.
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VampNov4:She wondered if she could ever have enough animal heads. “I wonder if I could ever have enough animal heads,” she said.
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VampNov5:During such trying times, Hortense preferred to withdraw from others and listen to Coldplay.That’s how she knew she was “deep”.
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VampNov6: A feeling of oneness overcame Hortense as she listened. “Truly, it is all yellow,” she marveled. She knew what she had to do…
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VampNov7:She found Gerard still in the fencing field. “Gerard, you were right!” she shouted.”I do need a new look!Sign me up for your cult.”
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VampNov8:”You’re gonna LOVE it!” he squealed. “But first, the salon, ’cause your split ends are TRAGIC.”Gerard was the best girlfriend ever.
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VampNov9:When Hortense entered cult headquarters, she saw a man marked with the sign:carefully-constructed bedhead,without a part.”Vampire!”
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VampNov10:He crossed the room and stared right through her. Literally. Vampires are super strong, so his gaze bored a hole through her head.
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VampNov11:The vampire healed her with a touch, shook his part-less hair,and followed with a conspicuously awkward silent stare.He was GOOD.
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VampNov12:”I must know your name,” she whispered.Suddenly he looked pained and stomped away.Tortured AND crabby? He was every girl’s dream!
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VampNov13: “My name is..is..” “Yes?!” “Schmandrake!” “…Well,” she chose her words carefully, “you know you could always get that fixed.”
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VampNov14: They set off for their 1st date @ Burger Barn.When she’d told him it was where all red-blooded Americans eat, he couldn’t resist.
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VampNov15:The best part was when Hortense realized she didn’t have enough $ for a tip, so Schmandrake just gave the waitress immortality.
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VampNov16: “I love a man who can take charge of a situation,” Hortense thought to herself as Schmandrake spider-monkeyed them to his car.
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VampNov17: Twas all fun and games-’til they spotted Taylor Schmautner, a cheesy Native American stereotype who’s also crushin’ on Hortense.
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VampNov18: Thankfully, Taylor didn’t want a fight. But he did offer to give Schmandrake some pretty nice beads in exchange for Hortense.
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VampNov19:Schmandrake briefly considered Taylor’s wampum offer.But his look was girly enough without adding a shell necklace for chrissakes.
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VampNov20:”Screw you, banker-NO DEAL!” screamed Schmandrake.Taylor stalked away all dejected while Howie Mandel snickered in the background.
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VampNov21:Hortense cooed and jumped into Schmandrake’s backseat.”Oh, we can never make out,” he said. “I’d rather just watch you sleep.”
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VampNov22:”Why NOT?”H cried.Schmanny sighed,staring distractedly at the sun glinting off Howie Mandel’s bald head.Jesus, was he still there?
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VampNov23: Schmanny growled: “I might not be strong enough-I might lose control.” Hortense laughed. “That’s ok-it happens to a lot of guys!”
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VampNov24:Schmanny sneered. “A lot of guys?How many vampires have you been with?” Horty shrugged:”Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.”
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VampNov25:After S dropped her off,H had thinking 2 do:her eyes Bcame vacant,her mouth agape.Gerard,alarmed,asked if she was having a stroke.
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VampNov26
H:”I don’t know, G. Is he my one true blood?”
Gerard:”Honey, at your age, just be happy to have a warm body.”
H: “About that…”
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VampNov27: “Gerard, I’m…I’m dating a vampire.” G was silent for a moment. “Hortense, honey, are you sure he isn’t just a little goth?”
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Spoof vampire novel returns tomorrow-I couldn’t NOT provide you with this gem on the writing style of Twilight http://www.editurl.com/dl4
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VampNov28:H weighed S’s qualities: PRO-Sexy mood swings.CON-Partless hair=unnerving.PRO-Good with his mouth.CON-100 yrs old is,like,so old.
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VampNov29:Hortense tried to throw out a jar of salsa and ended up breaking her toe (Ok, today you’ll have to settle for art imitating life).
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VampNov30: S smelled her blood and appeared panting nearby. “For God’s sake,” she said, “I broke my toe, this is not the time for foreplay.”
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VampNov31: Meanwhile,Hortense had a jealous friend living in her shadow, craving a vampire of her own. Mortense always HAD been a copycat.
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VampNov32:Try as she might,Mortense could never attract a vampire of her own.She often cried over it while indulging her garlic bread habit.
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VampNov33:And so Mortense plotted to steal Schmandrake from the fickle Hortense.Just considering it produced garlicky sighs of contentment.
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VampNov34:Mortense knew that S wanted a woman who’d love the way he did. So, she resolved to stare at him dyspeptically while he slept.
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VampNov35:1 night, Schmanny woke to Mortense lurking over him w/ a wooden stake. A garlic bulb thrust between his teeth stifled his screams.
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VampNov36: Mortense drew back with the stake in hand, a wild look in her eyes. Schmandrake braced himself for impact, thinking of Hortense.
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VampNov37: Mortense’s maniacal laughter sent a chill down Schmandrake’s spine. “This is THE END,” she screamed, “There will be no more…”
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VampNov38:”…no more…wobbling!”Mortense cried as she jammed the wooden stake under S’s wobbly bedpost. “There!” she said. “Fixed it!”
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VampNov39:Schmanny sat there in his repaired bed, staring openmouthed at Mortense, who was beaming with pride. This strange girl was useful!
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VampNov40: S felt brand new. Hortense was still great and all, but Mortense WAS a good deal handier. Plus, her mole was less distracting.
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VampNov41: S gazed at Mortense. “M, would you consider…” “Yes, Schmandrake?” “…taking a look at my leaky sink?” A new love was born.
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VampNov42: Of course, Hortense was unsettled when she walked in on this strange girl working on Schmandrake’s plumbing.
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VampNov43: “I THOUGHT,” bellowed Hortense,”that I was your true blood!” S was puzzled, proving that in many ways, he’s just like mortal men.
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VampNov44: Horty and Morty stood there fuming, hands on their hips. Schmanny would have to use all his masculine prowess to fix this pickle.
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VampNov45:Schmandrake took a deep breath.”I know!”he said.”Let’s have a threesome!” Schmanny was painfully new at handling the modern woman.
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VampNov46: H&M abandoned S for cocktails, leaving him dejected.Just then S felt a consoling hand on his shoulder: it was Howie Mandel-again.
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VampNov47: S sighed and stuck out his lower lip.” Being a vampire is SO HARD, Howie Mandel!” Howie ruffled S’ hair and said, “I understand.”
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VampNov48: “Schmandrake, I’m a vampire, too. And don’t be mad, ’cause I kinda took out Hortense. Man, that girl is CAH-RAZY for the fangs!”
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VampNov49:S’ world was upside down.He needed that girl who sings about saving you and taking you away from here to make good on her promise.
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VampNov50: What was her name again? Buffy? He wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be a bad idea.
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VampNov51:Suddenly Schmandrake had a brilliant idea,& called Horty and Morty.”Girls, this is nothing a fight to the death couldn’t resolve!”
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VampNov52: H was reminded of “The Most Dangerous Game”. “Well, I am an eccentric millionaire with a penchant for taxidermy…count me in!”
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VampNov53: Mortense snorted and pawed at the dirt with her hooves…er, feet.”I am so bringin’ you down, beyotch!” she screamed at Hortense.
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VampNov 54: S felt at peace once again. Having otherwise sane women make fools of themselves for him was what being a vampire was all about.
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VampNov55: Well, that, and gelling his perfectly partless hair.
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VampNov56: So Schmandrake scheduled the cage match and set off to find judges. Of course, Sharon Osbourne would have to be involved somehow.
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VampNov57: Hortense sharpened her fencing gear. Mortense shined her heftiest power tools. Schmandrake combed his hair.
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VampNov58: Hortense put on her game face. Mortense slipped into her full suit of armor. Schmandrake combed his hair.
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VampNov59: Hortense growled fiercely. Mortense let out a primal scream. Schmandrake combed his hair.
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VampNov60: Then Schmandrake did something that would shake their whole world…
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VampNov61:He parted his hair. Flames leaped up from the underworld, babies screamed, puppies were rent in two, and all cupcakes went away.
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VampNov62: So he combed the part out. Everything went back to normal. No biggie.
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VampNov63: On with the cage fight!
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VampNov64: As H and M stepped into the ring, the crowd roared and waved homemade banners that read “Team Hortense” and “Team Mortense.”
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VampNov65: Hortense called on her spirit animal. And was instantly transformed into a cantankerous gerbil.
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VampNov66: Then Mortense called on her own spirit animal–Bob the Builder.
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VampNov67: Bob the Builder wielded a mighty hammer. The Cantankerous Gerbil bared razor-sharp fangs. Schmandrake busily accepted bets.
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VampNov68:Simon Cowell told H:”U r the worst singer I’ve heard.”Sharon O whispered into his Botox-free ear,&he left 2 find the right studio.
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VampNov69: Just then the Cantankerous Gerbil threw a taxidermied squirrel at Bob the Builder. Intense.
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Click the video for today’s vampire novel goodie, from the MST3K guys! http://www.wired.com/underwire/2009/11/twilight-lessons-girls-learn/
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VampNov70:Bob the Builder counter-attacked by fixing a creaky floorboard.No one was sure how that was effective, but were wowed nonetheless.
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VampNov71: Cantankerous Gerbil bit the head off a taxidermied bat, but Sharon Osbourne gave it low marks. Unoriginal, she said.
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VampNov72:Bob sent an origami throwing star across the room, giving Gerbil a paper cut.The crowd fell silent as S detected blood in the air.

VampNov73: No longer able to control himself, Schmandrake jumped into the ring and bared his fangs. All the female audience members fainted.

VampNov74: Schmandrake approached Gerbil, fangs gleaming. She stood there with blood dripping from her pointer finger. He leaned in…

VampNov75: S leered at her blood.Then he took her by the shoulders, saying, “I want u to promise to use Neosporin. That could get infected!”

VampNov76: The judges unanimously considered Schmandrake’s show of compassion to mean certain victory for Hortense, and the match was ended.

VampNov77:But after the match’s end, Schmanny sank his teeth into Hortense’s finger, leading thousands to wonder what it’s really all about.

VampNov78: Their wondering was cut short when the Twitter capacity whale flomped onto the ring and squashed everybody involved to death.

VampNov79: Since everyone’s dead, the end.

VampNov80: Just kidding.

VampNov81: After their literary near-death, the major characters needed a break. So they packed the Partridge Family van for Minneapolis!

VampNov82: Of course, without a reliable source of affordable Internet, our characters had a very quiet sojourn.

VampNov83: And, bonus! The pale, sun-shy visitors fit right in with the local population of Minnesota.

VampNov84: Hortense wanted to repay the kind people of Minnesota for teaching her their local word: “ish”. So she taught them “fangbanger”.

VampNov85: It felt like a fair trade.

VampNov86: But our friends soon grew tired of Minnesota–too many palefaces like themselves, not enough rosy victims

VampNov87: So they decided to turn back and drive home. With a brief detour, of course, to drop Howie Mandel off at his mom’s.

VampNov88: But still the problem remained of the fierce rivalry between Hortense and Mortense for Schmandrake’s affections.

VampNov89: This problem was resolved, however, at the local gay pride parade.

VampNov90:Mortense realized that her affinity for power tools made her quite the catch among the local lesbian home improvement aficionados.

VampNov91: So with that, Mortense duct taped her nipples, slapped on a rainbow cape, and rode off into the sunset with a girl named Bill.

VampNov92: Bill was wearing a t-shirt that read, “Team Mortense.”

VampNov93: Hortense was feeling new things, too.When Manhole’s float passed, she discovered an alternate meaning for the phrase,”new moon.”

VampNov94: Truth be told, Schmandrake was starting to feel a bit “eclipsed.”

VampNov95: He’d gotten used to being the only guy around wearing body glitter…

VampNov96: And he couldn’t be sure, but there was something a bit off about all the Amazon women at this parade…

VampNov97: But S was soon distracted from his self-pity by more self-pity: he received invitations to his high-school reunions. All 300.

VampNov98: Had he gotten fat? Was his pallor just as pasty as ever? His hair just as partless? His maladjusted stare still as off-putting?

VampNov99: More importantly, would the jocks stuff him in a locker again for wearing lip stain and body shimmer?

VampNov100: At least he had a trophy girlfriend now–she was a huge step up from the spider monkey he dated in high school.

VampNov101: They’d broken up when they went scaling Redwoods together. She lost her grip, and his reflexes weren’t as quick as he’d boasted.

VampNov102: When she dumped him, he’d felt pain, self-loathing, and anger, much like when someone un-followed him on Twitter.

VampNov103: Well, he’d show ‘em. He’d attend his reunion with H and show everybody that the best revenge is living well…into his hundreds.

VampNov104: That is, until Hortense met Draco Malfoy at the Seven Eleven and fell in love over a blue/cola/cherry slurpee.

VampNov105: Yes, it’s true. Draco was all grown up and casting spells on chicks. His widows peak usually hypnotized them into submission.

VampNov bumped today by some…interesting…fan art: http://www.regretsy.com/2010/07/22/3-bad-edward-cullen-portraits/

VampNov106: Schmandrake was upset by this development. If Hortense didn’t go to the reunion, who would he dump pig’s blood on at the end?

VampNov107: What if Hortense started a trend, and all the fangbangers got bored with vampires and started liking wizards instead?WHAT IF?!?!

VampNov108: It was clearly time for another cage match. “Summon Howie Mandel,” Schmandrake announced…”for it is time.”

VampNov109: But this time, Howie’s seat was left empty. This time, Howie didn’t come.

Vamp110: DUn DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plWnm7UpsXk

VampNov111: So it’s decided by all parties involved that a global hunt for Howie Mandel must commence. Back to the Partridge Family van…

VampNov112: They will leave no stone unturned, no alibi unchecked, no banker un-slammed!

VampNov113: And when they find Howie, they will clutch him close to their bosoms and all share a good cry.

VampNov114: They discovered Howie cowering in the kitchen cupboard with the cookie jar. “Who’s done this to you, Howie?!” Hortense demanded.

VampNov115: Howie sniveled, “It was…it was…Gerard!” Damn you, minor character from the beginning of the novel that no one remembers!

VampNov116: They all shared a Keanu “whoah” and pondered it. The meaning of Gerard’s kidnapping, not Keanu’s career spent playing himself.

VampNov117: “Now…who was Gerard again?” asked Schmandrake. Hortense scratched her beard and thought deeply…

VampNov118: “Of course!” Hortense shouted. “He was my gay fencing partner beautician cult member!” Sometimes the simplest things elude us.

VampNov119: Just then Mortense reappeared with her gf Bill. “Fear not! Mortense and Bill, Professional Bounty Hunters, at your service!”

VampNov120: Bill rolled her eyes and cast a resentful glance at the narrator. “That’s Byll, with a ‘Y’ thankyouverymuch.” Right. Sorry.

VampNov121:Byll and Mortense searched Gerard’s hangouts, but he wasn’t at the free masons office, Taxidermy Palace, OR Cold Stone Creamery.

VampNov122:In fact, Cold Stone said Gerard hadn’t been in for his usual–cake batter ice cream with sprinkles and human souls–in 3 days.

VampNov123: Hortense had a feeling that this was a bad sign. “Guys,” she said, “I have a feeling this is a bad sign.”

VampNov124:What if Gerard was up to more evil? If he’d kidnapped another star? What if ::gulp:: he’d tried to make saganaki at home again?

VampNov125:They broke into Gerard’s, where his pet gerbils were staging a synchronized dance to “Material Girl.”So far, business as usual..

VampNov126: Hortense couldn’t put her finger on it, but this time there was something different about the gerbils. Something…sinister…

VampNov127: Their blank stares seemed to bore a hole right through her…because they did. The gerbils’ stares bored Hortense a head hole.

VampNov128: Hortense’s head hole was saucy yet proper, conservative yet daring, and far showier than that attention whore mole in Chapter 1.

VampNov129: Yet there was something different about this head hole…something sinister…

VampNov130: Hortense stared into the mirror, observing the subversive head hole as it staged a synchronized dance to Material Girl.

VampNov131: Seriously, what was up with everybody and that song?

VampNov132: Hortense wondered if the world had gone mad. “Has the world gone mad?!” she asked.

VampNov133: <Brief Interruption> Read about the undying love of “Pants” and Edward Cullen: http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

VampNov134: And this followup video–even better! (Is Bella a Lego brick?) http://www.youtube.com/user/epipheo#p/u/21/K4uuGvmAxTI